Thomas Cook: They Care After All

After what seemed like a right royal age to reply I finally heard from Mr Cook (check out my complaint) regarding my missing fishing rod. I also received an interesting letter from someone who had apparently received my complaint as the Thomas Cook customer care team had obviously forwarded my email and so sent me a printout of the emails he received with comments from Thomas Cook employees such as ‘I love this guy’ and ‘a work of genius.’ (Tell me something I don’t know). Well it’s good to know that they deal with customer grievances with the utmost severity. This letter also contained a note from the sender informing me that because my complaint contained personal details, my confidentiality was breached and so he took it upon himself to complain to the High Commissioner of the UK Trading Standards.

I do not believe in coincidences and so my suspicions tell me that their reply had something to do with a few tweets between myself and various members of the Thomas Cook team about why they hadn’t responded and why they had breached my confidentiality. Upon realising that I had obviously found out about their shoddy customer care, they then decided to post a reply and cheque for £3 to cover my missing rod. The reply I received was dated Aug 23rd but received at the end of September, so well done Thomas for dealing with my complaint with such urgency. The exact response was also included in the forwarded emails I got sent as the sender was bragging to his fellow Thomas Cookers at how he had responded to my email in such a jokey fashion. Well Mr. Troth, congratulations on actually growing a set of balls and sending it, despite it being a month later.

Click on the links to open the response:

Thomas Cook Response Page 1

Thomas Cook Response Page 2

Complaint, Emails

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October 2, 2012

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British Airways: Reverse Psychology at its Worst

I was sat watching television with my boys on a chilled Friday night with a couple of brewskis when on came a British Airways ad, which ultimately left us all in shock. I think even a couple of bottles were dropped, and beer was sputtered everywhere. It’s just a damn ass ridiculous advert. Now, I may not be an award winning advertiser with a whole room dedicated to my Cannes Lions (yet), but I’m pretty sure the whole freakin’ point of an ad is to convince someone to buy your product or service, not tell them not to use it. Now, I’ve heard of thinking outside the box and all that, but this is just stupid, and my ideas that I gave Willie Walsh (BA’s CEO) are about a jizzilion times better. Although he didn’t reply, I can tell that you will see my ad on the small screen soon…

Hello Willie,

I bet your friends call you Big Willie just for laughs! I know I would! I bet it’s annoying having to live up to such a name, it creates such great expectations in peoples’ minds. Anyway that mindless talk about willies is not why I am here Mr Walsh. It’s because of your recent advertising campaign. A fail of epic proportions. I’d say a failure in the region of the non-aggression peace treaty signed between UK and Nazi Germany which obviously did not lead to ‘guaranteed peace in our time.’ So why is it such a failure, and how can I, marketing genius, be of service to you?

Let’s take a moment to dissect the advert. I’m sure you know the one. Yeh, the one with the big old jumbo jet patrolling around the streets of London with the closing tagline of; ‘Don’t Fly, Support Team GB.’ I see where you are coming from, play on the patriotism that was surging through the veins of any English man and woman, that will surely get the nation on side! Or perhaps you were playing the reverse psychology game. By telling them not to fly surely it will make them fly. Wrong.

Take a look at what sight met me at the check-in desk at Gatwick this summer Walshy…

A hefty queue of two people. Business is booming! What a successful ad.

You need some advertising CPR quick and I’m the one to deliver the all important mouth to mouth. We need a new advert stat. One to make people want to leave the UK not stay there. Let’s bring up all that is wrong with out great nation. We can still use the core idea of a BA plane touring London, but let’s replace the nice sights and attractions with the grimier side of the capital. I’m talking the riots, the muggings, the urine-stained tramps adorning every tube station. I think you get the point. Close the ad with the tagline; ‘Get The Hell Out’ or something along those lines. This is sure to make every sane citizen want to pack their bikini’s and speedos and hop on the next plane out of there! Let’s get the camera’s rolling and we can get this on the box by the end of the month.

You’re welcome Willie,

Jordan Harris

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September 20, 2012

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Thomas Cook: They don’t give a flying fuck about my fishing rod!

I’ve heard horror stories of airlines losing peoples’ baggage but I’ve never suffered at the hands of such evil entities. Until this summer. The summer of sadness. The summer Thomas Cook crushed me. And they didn’t even have the decency to reply to my heartfelt email. They didn’t show an ounce of compassion or sympathy to my cause. Maybe my proposed compensation payment was a little too high, but a sorry wouldn’t have gone a miss. I’m flying with RyanAir next time, I hear he values his customers far more than that bell end Thomas.

From: Jordan Harris
To: customerservices@thomascook.com
Subject: Lost fishing rod (URGENT)
Date: 09/08/2012

Hello Mr Cook or would you prefer Thomas? I’ll call you Tom. Hello Tom,

How are you? Thanks for recently flying me to and from Zante or Zakynthos as the locals call it. I don’t know why though, you can’t polish a turd by giving it an exotic name. Everyone still knows it as Zante, a haven for clubbing, underage drinking and sexual escapades. It’s like Staines changing their name to Staines-Upon-Thames. Everyone still knows it as Ali G’s hometown regardless of a new posh name. So yeh, thanks for the flight (despite minimal leg room) but I am definitely not thankful with what happened to my bag on the return flight. You probably think it got lost in transit and ended up in some far flung country like Belgium, but oh no, it suffered a much worse plight.

Let me set the scene Tommy my boy. I’m on the beach, we’ve rented a boat for the day, we’ve packed goodies and treats to last us all day (27 litres of water, a large melon slice, 3 loaves of bread and a pot of nutella if you were wondering), but what’s missing Tom? Oh yeh. You got it! A fishing rod! Panic sets in. We are just about to raise anchor when I spy a quaint little bamboo rod in a shop on shore so I purchase it and hop back in the boat. Phew, that was close. We continue to make our way to a secluded spot and I cast my line. Queue the first two attachments.

Oh look, it’s me. Fishing. And yes I have been working out thanks for noticing Tom. Look at me T, I’m happy as Larry (I don’t know who Larry is or why he is so damned happy all the time by the way). After a while I get bored (I’ve the attention span of a fly) so I leave the line in the water and go play. I look back with great joy to see my rod bending. Every fisherman’s dream (I could insert a ‘bent rod’ joke being my dream but I feel humour will distract you from the seriousness of my grievance). Fish on boys! Now open the 3rd and 4th attachments and marvel in my glory. Look at that beauty. A baby Great White. Look how happy I am!

So Tom, back to business. Remember that smile I had upon reeling in such a monster of the depths? Well it was wiped off my face when my bag rolled around on the carousel with my rod tied to the outside (now I guide you to the final attachment which shows my sadness).

It’s a 3-piece rod so was easily unassembled and attached to my case. I picked up my bag and my world came crashing down around me when I noticed there was only 2 pieces left. What makes it worse was the fact it was the tip that was missing. If the handle was missing I could easily manage with a shorter rod, but because it was the end, I have nowhere to tie the line. It’s utterly useless. Just some crappy bamboo stick. What the heck am I going to do with that? It’s too short to support the growth of a sunflower. Maybe a juvenile but not a fully grown one. It’s far too flimsy to be used as a walking stick and I have no slaves to beat with it if they slack and therefore it has no use to me whatsoever.

I even told the check in lady to be extra careful with it. She smiled which I interpreted as a sign of reassurance. In retrospect it is now obvious she was a wicked woman and knew this would happen. So somewhere between Zante and London you lost a piece of my rod. Perhaps one of your employees fancied it for themselves as a mini rod. Or perhaps they are reckless workers and do not pay attention to other people’s belongings for which they are paid to properly put on the plane. Perhaps it is still in the plane. I do not know which is the case, but one thing I am sure of; I can no longer fish with my beloved bamboo rod.

So why write to you Tommy C? Because I want justice. Compensation for my loss. Okay so let’s do some maths. The rod cost 3 euros. There were 3 pieces (and I put great emphasis on the past tense of WERE and not ARE). So each piece cost 1 euro (3 euros divided by 3=1 euro). As you lost 1 piece, you owe me 1 euro. But then it starts getting complicated. For one, if you send me that 1 euro, I will then have to fly back to Zante and try to persuade the shop vendor to sell me 1/3 of one of her other rods, which she is unlikely to do because then that rod will be without a tip. Thus I will have to buy a completely new rod, so that’s a further 2 euros you owe me on top of the 1 euro so I can pay the 3 euros for a rod. Oh and don’t forget to add on flights to and from Zante. If you are unprepared to pay this compensation there is an alternative. You see, I can never use that fishing rod ever again. Therefore I will never experience the same joy that I felt that day on the ocean blue. It’s hard to attach a monetary value on my happiness but I feel it is somewhere in the region of £1000. So you either owe me flights to and from Zante as well as 3 euros for the rod or you can just give me the £1000 to make up for my loss of happiness as I have slipped down the dark slope of depression due to not being able to fish. So which will it be Tom? The choice is yours.

I hope you understand the pain you have caused and I look forward to hearing from you Tom.

Warmest Regards,
Jordan Harris

Complaint, Emails

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August 18, 2012

3 Comments

Corona: Aye Carrumba

I love Corona but when the health and safety of one of my peers is put on the line, I just cannot tolerate it. So when I found out my friend Sam (you may remember him from such posts as Andrex) opened a bottle of their fine Mexican beer and the glass shattered, not only was I physically sick, I decided to complain. Always complain. You get free shit…

 

From: Jordan Harris
Sent: 04/07/12
To: Corona
Subject: Corona Complaint

Dearest Corona,

You probably don’t remember me but I was the guy that gave you a billion dollar idea that was ultimately ignored. Perhaps this was due to the language barrier as I understand the national language in Mexico is Spanish. This time however, I am not here to provide you with an idea to take Budweiser out and in its place make Corona the King of Beers. No I definitely am not. I am here as a matter of utmost urgency.

I believe you will be aware of the term ‘health and safety.’ Come on Corona, you are a big ass company so don’t try and act dumb Senor. I write this on the behalf of a good friend, Mr. Samuel Gillespie. Said gentleman sat down after a hard day’s work last Friday evening and what better way to relax than with a bottle of Corona right? Wrong. On opening the bottle he was met with a potentially life threatening problem. Something that could of ripped his entire throat open.

You see Corona, when he opened the bottle, glass remained in the cap. Big deal you say. However this left the opening of the bottle where you drink jagged and malicious. If Sam had not been paying attention and had taken a sip his life would surely of been over. Or at the very least he would of cut himself. I hope you see the importance of this issue. I have pictures I can send that will surely send chills down your spine.

So what can you do for us Corona? Well let’s see shall we. We aren’t douchebags man, we aren’t going to make a big deal out of this. We won’t sell our story to the press. We won’t hire a crack legal team of lawyers to take you down. We won’t even switch to a rival beer such as San Miguel. But what we do want is something in return. Something that will help us repairs the tears in our hearts you have caused. Something to right all wrongs. What’s that? I’ll leave that for you to decide but a couple sombreros and a crate of Corona wouldn’t go a miss.

Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you,

Jordan Harris

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

 

From: Sean Chavarria
Sent: 05/07/12
To: Jordan Harris
CC: Gary Conway
Subject: RE: Corona Beer

Hello Jordan

I am sorry to hear about this incident

I am shocked to learn about it as our company has several systems to ensure something like that does not happen. We take this very serious.

Is there any chance you can send me the mentioned photos? Do you still have the receipt? Where did your friend buy the bottle? Do you still have the bottle? If so I would really appreciate if I can pick it up.

Please let me know as soon as you can

Thank you very much

Sean Chavarria

Corona Extra UK

 

 

 

GModelo Europa SAU

T. +44 (0) 7979 916 400
F. +44  020 738 606 51
schavarria@gmodeloeuropa.com

Política de Privacidad de GME

Privacy Policy of GME

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 

From: Jordan Harris
Sent: 06/07/12
To: Sean Chavarría
Cc: Gary Conway
Subject: RE: Corona Beer

Salutations Sean Chavarria,

I thoroughly appreciate your hasty response and interpret this to mean that you see the importance of the issue at hand. I mean if not spotted (as most beer drinkers wouldn’t think twice about checking the bottle, they’d just start guzzling away) it could have caused serious injury.

After thorough research into the swallowing of glass I have determined that he would of died from internal bleeding after the glass slashing his throat, not to mention ripping his mouth apart after taking his first delicious sip.

I now draw your attention to the attachments. Shocking aren’t they? Thought you would think so.
Unfortunately my amigo didn’t keep the receipt as he threw it away at the point of purchase and he didn’t think about keeping the bottle as he thought the images would suffice.

I appreciate that Corona, as a responsible company, would have many systems in place to stop this kind of thing from happening, but none the less it has sadly occurred and my dear friend was left without his Friday night beer. Depressing to say the least. I think you would agree with me on that. Now we aren’t greedy guys but we would like a little, how would you say, good will gesture. Just to clear the air and enhance the love that we have for your delicious Mexican bevvie! Let’s all agree that a couple of sombreros will suffice and we can leave it at that.

I look forward to your reply Senor Sean,

Jordan Harris

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

 

From: SChavarria@gmodeloeuropa.com
To: jordaneharris@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Corona Beer
Date: Fri, 6 Jul 2012 15:32:14 +0000

Hello Jordan

Thank you for your email.

Yes the photos are shocking! Is a shame that we do not have the bottle as they are all individually coded and we could have traced it to the production line and place. We really appreciate all your feedback.

I would be more than happy to send you each a case of Corona and a couple of limited edition t shirts

May I have an address? This will be ordered Monday morning and will take 5 working days for the T shirt delivery

Hope to hear from you soon

Sean

Sean Chavarria

Corona Extra UK

 

 

 

GModelo Europa SAU

T. +44 (0) 7979 916 400
F. +44  020 738 606 51

Política de Privacidad de GME

Privacy Policy of GME

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

 

From: Jordan Harris
Sent: 08 July 2012 09:20
To: Sean Chavarría
Subject: RE: Corona Beer

Salutations Sean,

After reading your email and contemplating your offer of compensation, I have decided that this will suffice, although we were hoping for maybe an all expenses paid holiday to Cancun to soak up some rays and enjoy a couple Corona’s on the beach surrounded by smokin’ babes. I guess with a bit of imagination, some sand and a few blow up dolls, Sam and I can create such an atmosphere in the lounge.

If it would be possible, please could you send one case and tshirt (size large) to:

Sam’s address (obviously not going to put both our addresses in, think of all the stalkers we would get turning up at our gates begging for photos, autographs and locks of hair).

and the other to (size medium):

My address.

We appreciate your generosity and swiftness of action, you really are a real life superhero; fighting for the right of the consumer in the face of corporate adversity.

Keep on doing what your doing.

Yours Sincerely,

Jordan Harris

PS I will send you some photos.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

 

So eventually our goodies arrived so please enjoy these pics of myself and Samuel enjoying our tshirts and free beer. The mini sombrero is from my own personal collection of shit if you were wandering.

 

Complaint, Emails

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August 1, 2012

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Innocent: Competitions and Wizards

Innocent have got fan engagement on their Facebook down to a tee. A finely carved tee, organic and recyclable or course. I mean they could put a picture of a mouldy old dog poo up (you know when you leave them they start to grow white hair and look like an elderly caterpillar? Well this poo has just reached that stage) and they’d still get a bazillion comments and likes. So when they run competitions on their page, people literally go nuts. I recently entered two to no avail, despite my amazing answers, which were far better than the standard generic responses of the masses. The first competition was to win a years supply of smoothies and all you had to say was how you would celebrate winning a gold medal at London 2012 (I fear using the ‘O’ word as I do not want to get shut down. From interning at a sports company I know first hand of the tight rules and regs of using the word. I even heard a bakery was threatened with court just for arranging bagels into the ‘O’ rings). Most said they’d give their medal to charity or drink a smoothie to celebrate. Would you hell! You’d cherish that gold mothertrucker forever and down a bottle of bubbly you bunch of old brown noses!

Did I win?! Did I heck. I was even ignored in favour of Adrienne. What is this world coming to I do not know but that was a winning answer and I’ll fight anyone who disagrees.

The second competition wasn’t to win anything, just a bit of fun, a story line whereby fans suggest what happens next, a comic book of sorts. I however saw it as my chance to reassert myself in Innocent’s eyes but was ultimately palmed away like a dog that just plopped on the prized Persian rug. Again, my answers were prize worthy, or at least due some recognition.

PS If you were wondering, Ulgar Dale is a fake profile I made which started out as being the ‘child’ of my ex-housemate, but turned into an alter-ego if you like that I used at my internship as Social Media manager to encourage bored old housewives to comment and interact with the company’s posts. You see if they see one person comment on something, or like something, they are more likely to follow suit. Sheep.

After two failed attempts, I was clearly disheartened and ultimately feeling like that ginger orphan, Annie, unloved and unwanted. I could of wept, hence a rather abrupt and blunt answer.

So well done to everyone who won, I do not believe in sportsmanship and the philosophy of  ’it’s not the winning, it’s the taking part that counts,’ therefore none of you deserved to win. Surely if it was just about the taking part, no one would ever train or practice as the outcome was irrelevant. They’d let anyone enter London 2012 and wouldn’t give a rat’s arse who won. Pfft. Whatever, you guys may of won the battle but the war is yet to be won.

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July 20, 2012

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Innocent: Shells and Strawberries

Innocent really know how to brighten up a newsfeed. Day after day their posts never fail to bring a smile to my face, whether it be a polar bear falling over on the ice or this little shelled fella. When I saw this I couldn’t control my fingers as they took to the keyboard as if they were possessed by Stevie Wonder (but obviously different keys). I just couldn’t resist telling them about my tortoise Herbert.

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July 19, 2012

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McDonald’s: Summer Lovin’ Burgers

I love MaccyDee’s. What’s not to love?! Tasty food served in minutes. Who cares if it looks eff all like the picture on the advert when, if you show a student card, you get a free burger?! I’m all over that like an Eskimo lapping up some sun in the Mediterranean, like a small gibbon all over a banana split, like a sculpture on a pumpkin at Halloween. But what bugs me about this fine institution is that they are increasingly turning their backs on their burgers. Shunning them in favour of salads and the like. Why in the world a company, based on selling sweet cow patties, would do such a thing is beyond me. So I decided to email Jim Skinner, the Global CEO of McDonald’s to tell him my feelings and to try make the Yank see some sense and give him a couple of ideas about new burgers that would surely quadruple global sales of burgers (well not in all countries. Take India for example where they don’t sell any beef burgers, just chicken, for religious reasons obviously). So I hit them up with a new range of burgers and obviously the big winner; THE JORDAN HARRIS burger. A taste sensation of ginormous proportions. Even though Jim Skinner palmed me off to customer services, and despite the fact I am yet to receive confirmation of rolling out my new menu, I am confident you will see them hitting a local McD franchise near you soon so get excited boys.

 

From: Jordan Harris
To: Jim Skinner
Date: 03/07/12

Subject: Amazing New Marketing Strategy Jim, It’s A Real Winner

Jordan Harris here; loyal customer and worshipper of the sausage and egg mcmuffin. It really is fantastic! I mean the perfect combination of a sausage patty, English muffin, cheese and the egg. Simply delightful. Now you might think I am here to simply lay praise on you but you’d be wrong. I am here to advise you. To give your company a new direction. To put them back on the path to righteousness.

`What are we doing wrong?? I hear you scream. Well I’ll tell you. Two words; The Menu. Yup, that’s right, the menu. Now I know fast food companies are under pressure to serve healthy foods but let’s stick up two fingers to such people. Who cares about the law suits, who cares about the super-size documentaries, who cares about Corporate Social Responsibility, who cares about the obesity epidemic?! Not I and neither should you. Do you know why? Because you are a fast food company and you specialise in scrumptious burgers that may be laden with saturate fat but my oh my are they the cats pyjamas.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane Mr Ronald McDonald (are you the clown in the adverts by the way?). The year is 1940 and the first every McDonalds opens as a burger joint, serving hamburgers. HAMBURGERS! It’s what you do best. The Golden Arches signify delicious burgers, mouth watering fries and delicious sugary drinks. Stick to your core competencies for goodness sakes. Get all the salads, carrot and fruit bags and fruit juices and dispose of them. Give them a ceremonious burial thus marking a new era. An era bringing back what made McDonalds great. People don’t go there for the salads, if they wanted a salad they would go to, oh I dunno, a freakin’ salad bar. Jeez Louise. So let’s come up with a whole new range of burgers. I’m talking ones with sweet cured bacon, ones with eggs in them, ones with different cheeses, ones with pineapple in (for the exotic out there), let’s go nuts and whack some guac in there, coleslaw topped burger? Why not! You get what I’m saying Jim Skin? Ok good, hit me up when you are ready to seriously think about a new menu and I will assist. I used to work in a fry kitchen so would be an invaluable source of knowledge for types of burgers.

                                                                                                                                                     

 

From: McDonalds.CustomerCare@us.mcd.com
To: Jordan Harris
Date: 06/07/12
Subject: Message from McDonald’s USA

Hello Jordan:
Thank you for contacting McDonald’s. We always enjoy hearing from our valued customers, and we’re delighted to know you like our Sausage McMuffin with Egg sandwich.

Be assured that at McDonald’s, we continually review our menu to ensure that we serve the products that our customers will enjoy most. As appropriate, our Menu Management team makes changes or enhancements to our menu. We strive to satisfy the tastes of the nearly 50 million people we serve each day.

Since it’s ultimately our customers who decide what products are offered at McDonald’s, your comments are especially important to us. I’ve shared them with our Menu Management team for their ongoing evaluation of our menu.

I have also taken your feedback about McDonald’s menu becoming healthier and shared that with our Menu Management team as well.

Again, thank you for contacting McDonald’s. We look forward to serving you for many years to come.

Nicholas
McDonald’s Customer Response Center

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From: Jordan Harris
To: Nicholas
Date: 11/07/12
Subject: Summer Lovin’ Menu

Well hello there Nicholas,

It is reassuring to know that McDonald’s continually review their menu and it really has made my day to learn that you will be getting rid of all the healthy food (I recently read something like ‘Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug!’ I mean you just don’t do it. You go there for the delicious burgers or in the prozzies case, for her delicious burger, if you know what I mean oi oi) and are revamping the burger menu according to my suggestions. Therefore please find attached three burgers which will make up part of the ‘Summer Lovin’ Range.’ See what I did there? You know like the song ‘Summer Lovin” from Grease? and because McDonald’s is all like ‘I’m lovin’ it.’ Clever hey?

So the Summer Lovin’ range of burgers will consist of The Big Kahuna, The 3 Amigos, and The Carribbean Catch. All inspired by popular holiday destinations; Hawaii, Mexico and of course the Carribbean. The Big Kahuna is a tropical burger bringing the taste of the beach to Maccydees. It’s a normal cheeseburger but with a juicy slice of pineapple in. Delicious I think you will agree. The 3 Amigos is again a normal cheeseburger but with three distinct Mexican flavours; Chili Con Carne, Guacamole and of course Refried Beans. Arrriiibbbaaa! Then The Carribbean Catch is a fish based burger. Mahi Mahi to be precise. Fried in a light coconut breadcrumb batter and topped with a thin layer of rum infused mayo. Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!

Finally, the piece de resistance, the burger that will make us millions, the one that will have fatties queuing around the block is…..THE JORDAN HARRIS! A divine double cheeseburger with pulled pork under a layer of provolone cheese on top of a layer of crispy bacon and Swiss cheese, and another layer of bacon, chili con carne and mozzarella between the two burgers with a sour dough bun. It’s a taste sensation, it really is and I can’t wait for it to be rolled out across the globe.

Thanks,

Jordan Harris

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July 16, 2012

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